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[25 Apr 2008|12:19am] |
Today I danced.
I danced and danced and danced.
I put all my sadness into the art and was very impressed with the outcome.
It was a break through, the most intense release I have ever experienced.
I hope it is a 'growth' as one could say, that will remain attainable. It was bliss.
My body took over, perfect, moving in smooth thoughtless movement.
I was invincible, a high like none that I had ever felt. And then the music stopped, and I came back down from my extacy. Totally left high and dry, sad, alone, and filled with an undescribeable mixture of pining and disgust.
I wish I had words to release the feeling I felt.
I hope it isn't over. I hope it's remembered how good it was. I hope you don't forget. I sure as hell won't.
Never, ever.
I am anxious to know what comes next. Why it is the way it is.
I know there is something coming though, and I sure as hell can't wait.
good night I love you
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[22 Feb 2008|04:22pm] |
My hands are shaking
All I have to do is open my Gmail account to find out.
I am more scared than I have ever been in my life.
Last year, not being accepted was no big deal, because there was this year.
And now "this year" is determined by a few clicks of a mouse.
AHHHH
I determine whether its two in and one out, or two out and one in.
It's a huge responsibility.
I am terrified.
Heart is thumping in my throat.
All I have to do...'click click'
Two out one in...
*crush*
byeiloveyou
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[20 Feb 2008|07:06pm] |
I will not play at tug-o-war
I'd rather play at hug-o-war
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins
And everyone cuddles
And everyone wins
Damn. I love to dance. I am reminded of that everytime I do it. It is making life excellent, those afternoon spent dancing. I am hooked for life
I wish I felt better physically though....
a lot
byeiloveyou
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[05 Jan 2008|11:46am] |
I have to remember to send my sister a singing telegram for her birthday.
I will not forget
I will not forget
I will not forget.
It will happen
and she will hate me forever
byeiloveyou
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[23 Dec 2007|11:42am] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
] |
Just updating....figured it is a good idea.
I am with my family, which is always nice, and also very overwhelming. I am with those I love which is spectacular.
I sang with no voice, two days in a row, and it was great. I was confident, and proud. I am slacking.
Secret Santa makes me happy, I like having friends who feel the same way about me as I do about them.
I love Christmas.
I am still confused, and a bit dissapointed. Have I really been waiting all this time, for nothing to happen, and no progress to be made?
I hope not.
Well...
I have things to do before Christmas.
byeiloveyou
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| Life in my shoes |
[08 Nov 2007|06:33pm] |
Wow.
Well it's certainly been complicated. But for the most part I am happy where I stand. I wish I could use a different word to describe it though, becuase I dont want to be just happy. It's so generic to just be happy.
But I am. And this is a recent thing.
Last weekend I went for it, and as far as I can tell...things ended up pretty well. Today I was too scared to try again, and now I am beating myself up becuase of my hesitancy.
I wish I could read minds.....just once. Just to figure out if this is right or not, and then be done reading minds, becuase it takes all the excitment out of life.
I wish I felt beautiful and confident, because that would make things a hell of a lot easier. BUt I am not, and it's definetly something I vow to work on.
Gah! Cold weather should have been here weeks ago, and it hasnt come yet. The ski basin is supposed to open in 3 weeks....I dont even snowboard or ski and I am concerned. I think this is the first time in my life I want it to get cold
Now I know I'll regret saying that when it does get cold.
I am off to sing with my piano
byeiloveyou
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[22 Oct 2007|10:39pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
] |
I wish I had time to write a lengthy entry. I have so much to say.
I'll leave it at;
I am actually finding myself looking forward to winter, only for the cozy snowy days, not for the bone-chilling winds and ice. But I like cozy, becuase when it's snowing, it feels like time slows down.
Also
What the fuck does 'keep in touch' mean
GAH!
I just wish I knew
byeiloveyou
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[08 Oct 2007|11:08am] |
THANK GOD MY PHONE LIVES!
Damn glasses of water...
I love my phone. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
Off to get an MRI
byeiloveyou
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[03 Oct 2007|10:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 busy |
] |
I am caught between dreams and reality, a place I've never been before.
It's pretty thrilling to have my dreams becoming more real, but terrifying as well.
goodnightiloveyou
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[01 Sep 2007|10:35pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
] |
School is turning out to be a bit stressful. But I am happy with my schedule now I changed it. It should be a good time.
After Micaela and I had that conversation in the ocean, I have not been able to stop thinking about what we spoke of. It's always coming up in my dreams, and it's always in my mind. It could be such a good thing, I want it to happen, but at the same time, making it happen will be very difficult. I'll have to work towards it.
Last night was great. I love the two of them, and I love love love having adventures. Last night was certainly an adventure, and it kicked ass.
I am going to go take a bath
byeiloveyou
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[06 Aug 2007|06:47pm] |
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mood |
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content |
] |
I am upset and hurt.
Shocked and amazed.
In awe and wonderment.
Why on Earth.........
I hate gossip
I hate betrayal
I hate lies
I hate stuborness
I am also in this wonderful place in my life.
I am so happy, I had such a good time.
Having 10 unforgettable days in a row kicks ass.
Good friends, good times
a little disapointment....
but I know its for the best..
It's not the right time for a thing like that.
I love them
I love life
I love vacation
I love TM
I love her,her,him,and her.
I love me
Goodbyeiloveyou
p.s.
I am pumped for NYC and the Beach
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| Clouds above my head. |
[18 Jul 2007|09:52pm] |
So what happens now????
I just got back from Tara Mandala, and had an out of this world experience. I really dont remeber the last time I was so happy, and didnt have a care in the world.
People in Santa Fe, arent as accepting as those people were, I told them anything and everything they wanted to know, and I trusted them, all of them, becuase they arent shallow stupid people who dont care.
I love them all, and I love that place. It is the most pure refreshing place I've ever been. It's the one place in the world I feel completley at home, it is my home.
Also I am glad I finally found a person who appreciates the land, and the energy in contais as well. So many of the few select people I have chosen to share this magic place with, brushed it off, didn't understand, and told me how cute..................blah blah blah.
I am so glad Arianna was open to new experiences, meditation, Buddhism, opening up...........you my dear are welcome to come with me anytime......because I know you understand.
I am so thrilled to be back up there in a few weeks, and then maybe again in a few more weeks after that...YAY, I hope her parentals let me steal her away for a week or two more of the summer, it would make me jump for joy.
Best staff in the whole history of Tara Mandala, after 13 years of new staffs...this one kicks ass....
I am going to write about it some more in a journal that will let me lie down while I am writing.
goodnightiloveyou
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[07 Jul 2007|08:15pm] |
Tetnis shots arent that bad. I think it was the first one I have ever had.
My arm is sore. My dad is good at giving shots.
My bite looks awful. It hurts too....cause it's all bruised around the actual puncture.
OW OW OW
Colorado is teasing me. I have three more days to wait, but a lot can happen in three days. I just want to get out.
dinner time
byeiloveyou
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[01 Jul 2007|10:22pm] |
Me and Zinnia made the best brownies ever. WOW.
Yum yum yum
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[28 Jun 2007|06:01pm] |
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mood |
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 energetic |
] |
"Let it shine oh let it shine"
yay for voices.
yay for sleepovers
yay for southpark
not yay for curfews
not yay for awkwardness
not yay for timedness/unsureity
not yay for being used
yay for opportunity
not yay for add ons
yay for rainstorms
yay yay yay, and maybe some not yay's but mostly yays
yay yay yay yay
oh
not yay for $1200
Shit son. Double not yay on that
byeiloveyou
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| Occupied |
[19 Jun 2007|08:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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disappointed |
] |
It opens on me and two obscurred faces, people I know, but cannont recognize.
We are in a deserted town, it warm and sunny. There are flowers all around, and bird tweeting.
Despite the pleasant atmosphere, a feeling a terror in my gut keeps me from enjoying the lovely day.
We walk around, feeling scared but cannot leave the beautiful town. In an instant we are in an empty lot, surrounded by dumpsters and ugly fence.
In the middle of the lot, a long table stood alone, and on it, a large assortment of bubbly waters, in frat cups and aluminum cans.
We immediatley approached the table, and began sampleing the waters. Each one was more delicious than the next, and at the end of the table, a note with directions to another tasting site.
We ran in fear for our lives, and found the next table dressed the same, with the same assortment of bubbly waters. Although they were the same types, we sampled them again, finding each one even more divine than the next, frequently looking over our shoulders to see if we were being watched.
This cycle of tasting and running went on for hours. It was like we were in a horror movie, aware of an evil presence but unable to find its source.
The bubbly water kept us distraced though, from the hidden eyes and killer thoughts, we believe only to be seconds away.
The last site we visited, was in a house, old, decaying, and the same blue cups were found in the same order, but still the same surprise of new flavors.
In the middle of sipping the creamy bubbly deliciousness, a knock was heard at the door.
KNOCK KNOCK
"Grace it's time to get up"
byeiloveyou
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| no subject |
[12 Jun 2007|11:29am] |
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You know whats hard? Being laughed at while sobbing and driving all over Santa Fe during rush hour.
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| Cyclone |
[10 Jun 2007|01:00am] |
I can feel it.
Getting sucked back in.
The water, pulling on my legs, dragging me under.
I dont want this chaos.
No sleep, hurt feelings. NEVER ENDING.
It's too much to handle.
And thoughts of sugar plums, day dreams, hazing my vision like a morning fog.
I want clarity.
I want to know what I can and cannot recieve.
I want fate to step in, and show me the way.
The constant question lingering in the dark.
Will it stay unanswered, unawknowleged for ever?
Our time is running out, I cant just give up.
Please. Give it to me.
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| Tut tut looks like rain |
[20 May 2007|09:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Regina Spektor |
] |
Summer is almost here. I can feel it.
I can also feel tears welling up behind my eyes.
I am expecting to cry sometime soon, for the dumbest reason possible.
I look forward to the downpour, it brings me sanity.
I'll feel renewed, and strong again.
But it's not coming, and it will come at the worst possible moment.
I just know.
Give me a reason to cry, so I can feel good again.
I am torn about Grease. Its a 95:5 chance.
I hope my dad says yes.
Caper is my new love.
He completes my life.
When he lies on my chest and sleeps, I feel so safe.
Caper...is a kitten.
I need to cry.
Finals will suck.
Godspell was pretty good.
Pretty voices.
Pretty voices.
Pretty.
byeiloveyou
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| Dawn |
[12 May 2007|11:28pm] |
Darkness.
Crickets.
Experience.
Sky.
Warmth.
Restless nights.
Sunshine.
Sunblock.
Passion.
Sand.
Mystery.
Parks.
Dreams.
Bubbles.
Bonfires.
Anger.
Pining.
Life.
Heartbeats.
Secrets.
Hugs.
Coctails.
Whispers.
Shadows.
Stargazing.
Sunset.
Freedom.
Oceans.
Tents.
Tears.
Rain.
Thoughts.
Ice Cream.
Smiles.
Clouds.
Nightfall.
Dancing.
Picnics.
Butterflies.
Adrenaline.
Soda pop.
Intensity.
Jump Rope.
Knowledge.
Parties.
Friendship.
Yearning.
Heartbreak.
Sunrise.
Fun.
Laughter.
Heat.
Kisses.
Daydreams.
Tree Climbing.
Fun Dip.
Hotties.
Smoothies.
Walks.
Outside.
Tans.
Memories.
Photographs.
Sweat.
Mistakes.
Connections.
Roller Coasters.
Daybreak.
Thunderstorms.
Love.
Summer.
I'm waking up, its my time of year.
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