faceofgrace

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 04:29:14 GMT

Today I danced.
I danced and danced and danced.
I put all my sadness into the art and was very impressed with the outcome.
It was a break through, the most intense release I have ever experienced.
I hope it is a 'growth' as one could say, that will remain attainable. It was bliss.
My body took over, perfect, moving in smooth thoughtless movement.

I was invincible, a high like none that I had ever felt. And then the music stopped, and I came back down from my extacy. Totally left high and dry, sad, alone, and filled with an undescribeable mixture of pining and disgust.
I wish I had words to release the feeling I felt.

I hope it isn't over. I hope it's remembered how good it was. I hope you don't forget. I sure as hell won't.

Never, ever.

I am anxious to know what comes next. Why it is the way it is.
I know there is something coming though, and I sure as hell can't wait.

good night I love you

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 23:10:18 GMT

My hands are shaking
All I have to do is open my Gmail account to find out.
I am more scared than I have ever been in my life.
Last year, not being accepted was no big deal, because there was this year.
And now "this year" is determined by a few clicks of a mouse.

AHHHH

I determine whether its two in and one out, or two out and one in.
It's a huge responsibility.
I am terrified.

Heart is thumping in my throat.

All I have to do...'click click'

Two out one in...

*crush*

byeiloveyou

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 01:52:08 GMT

I will not play at tug-o-war
I'd rather play at hug-o-war
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins
And everyone cuddles
And everyone wins

Damn. I love to dance. I am reminded of that everytime I do it. It is making life excellent, those afternoon spent dancing. I am hooked for life

I wish I felt better physically though....

a lot

byeiloveyou

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 18:31:29 GMT

I have to remember to send my sister a singing telegram for her birthday.
I will not forget
I will not forget
I will not forget.

It will happen
and she will hate me forever

byeiloveyou

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 18:32:07 GMT

Just updating....figured it is a good idea.
I am with my family, which is always nice, and also very overwhelming. I am with those I love which is spectacular.
I sang with no voice, two days in a row, and it was great. I was confident, and proud. I am slacking.
Secret Santa makes me happy, I like having friends who feel the same way about me as I do about them.
I love Christmas.

I am still confused, and a bit dissapointed. Have I really been waiting all this time, for nothing to happen, and no progress to be made?
I hope not.

Well...

I have things to do before Christmas.

byeiloveyou

Life in my shoes

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 01:40:41 GMT

Wow.
Well it's certainly been complicated. But for the most part I am happy where I stand. I wish I could use a different word to describe it though, becuase I dont want to be just happy. It's so generic to just be happy.
But I am. And this is a recent thing.
Last weekend I went for it, and as far as I can tell...things ended up pretty well. Today I was too scared to try again, and now I am beating myself up becuase of my hesitancy.
I wish I could read minds.....just once. Just to figure out if this is right or not, and then be done reading minds, becuase it takes all the excitment out of life.
I wish I felt beautiful and confident, because that would make things a hell of a lot easier. BUt I am not, and it's definetly something I vow to work on.
Gah! Cold weather should have been here weeks ago, and it hasnt come yet. The ski basin is supposed to open in 3 weeks....I dont even snowboard or ski and I am concerned. I think this is the first time in my life I want it to get cold
Now I know I'll regret saying that when it does get cold.

I am off to sing with my piano

byeiloveyou

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 04:27:04 GMT

I wish I had time to write a lengthy entry. I have so much to say.

I'll leave it at;

I am actually finding myself looking forward to winter, only for the cozy snowy days, not for the bone-chilling winds and ice. But I like cozy, becuase when it's snowing, it feels like time slows down.

Also

What the fuck does 'keep in touch' mean

GAH!

I just wish I knew

byeiloveyou

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 16:54:54 GMT

THANK GOD MY PHONE LIVES!

Damn glasses of water...

I love my phone. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

Off to get an MRI

byeiloveyou

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 04:18:14 GMT

I am caught between dreams and reality, a place I've never been before.
It's pretty thrilling to have my dreams becoming more real, but terrifying as well.

goodnightiloveyou

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 04:25:43 GMT

School is turning out to be a bit stressful. But I am happy with my schedule now I changed it. It should be a good time.

After Micaela and I had that conversation in the ocean, I have not been able to stop thinking about what we spoke of. It's always coming up in my dreams, and it's always in my mind. It could be such a good thing, I want it to happen, but at the same time, making it happen will be very difficult. I'll have to work towards it.

Last night was great. I love the two of them, and I love love love having adventures. Last night was certainly an adventure, and it kicked ass.

I am going to go take a bath

byeiloveyou

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 00:41:27 GMT

I am upset and hurt.
Shocked and amazed.
In awe and wonderment.
Why on Earth.........

I hate gossip
I hate betrayal
I hate lies
I hate stuborness

I am also in this wonderful place in my life.
I am so happy, I had such a good time.
Having 10 unforgettable days in a row kicks ass.

Good friends, good times
a little disapointment....

but I know its for the best..
It's not the right time for a thing like that.

I love them
I love life
I love vacation
I love TM
I love her,her,him,and her.
I love me

Goodbyeiloveyou

p.s.
I am pumped for NYC and the Beach

Clouds above my head.

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 03:39:51 GMT

So what happens now????

I just got back from Tara Mandala, and had an out of this world experience. I really dont remeber the last time I was so happy, and didnt have a care in the world.
People in Santa Fe, arent as accepting as those people were, I told them anything and everything they wanted to know, and I trusted them, all of them, becuase they arent shallow stupid people who dont care.

I love them all, and I love that place. It is the most pure refreshing place I've ever been. It's the one place in the world I feel completley at home, it is my home.
Also I am glad I finally found a person who appreciates the land, and the energy in contais as well. So many of the few select people I have chosen to share this magic place with, brushed it off, didn't understand, and told me how cute..................blah blah blah.

I am so glad Arianna was open to new experiences, meditation, Buddhism, opening up...........you my dear are welcome to come with me anytime......because I know you understand.

I am so thrilled to be back up there in a few weeks, and then maybe again in a few more weeks after that...YAY, I hope her parentals let me steal her away for a week or two more of the summer, it would make me jump for joy.

Best staff in the whole history of Tara Mandala, after 13 years of new staffs...this one kicks ass....

I am going to write about it some more in a journal that will let me lie down while I am writing.

goodnightiloveyou

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 02:04:50 GMT

Tetnis shots arent that bad. I think it was the first one I have ever had.

My arm is sore. My dad is good at giving shots.

My bite looks awful. It hurts too....cause it's all bruised around the actual puncture.

OW OW OW

Colorado is teasing me. I have three more days to wait, but a lot can happen in three days. I just want to get out.

dinner time

byeiloveyou

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 04:10:02 GMT

Me and Zinnia made the best brownies ever. WOW.

Yum yum yum

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 23:52:19 GMT

"Let it shine oh let it shine"

yay for voices.

yay for sleepovers

yay for southpark

not yay for curfews

not yay for awkwardness

not yay for timedness/unsureity

not yay for being used

yay for opportunity

not yay for add ons

yay for rainstorms

yay yay yay, and maybe some not yay's but mostly yays

yay yay yay yay

oh
not yay for $1200

Shit son. Double not yay on that

byeiloveyou

Occupied

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 03:23:19 GMT

It opens on me and two obscurred faces, people I know, but cannont recognize.
We are in a deserted town, it warm and sunny. There are flowers all around, and bird tweeting.
Despite the pleasant atmosphere, a feeling a terror in my gut keeps me from enjoying the lovely day.
We walk around, feeling scared but cannot leave the beautiful town. In an instant we are in an empty lot, surrounded by dumpsters and ugly fence.

In the middle of the lot, a long table stood alone, and on it, a large assortment of bubbly waters, in frat cups and aluminum cans.
We immediatley approached the table, and began sampleing the waters. Each one was more delicious than the next, and at the end of the table, a note with directions to another tasting site.
We ran in fear for our lives, and found the next table dressed the same, with the same assortment of bubbly waters. Although they were the same types, we sampled them again, finding each one even more divine than the next, frequently looking over our shoulders to see if we were being watched.
This cycle of tasting and running went on for hours. It was like we were in a horror movie, aware of an evil presence but unable to find its source.
The bubbly water kept us distraced though, from the hidden eyes and killer thoughts, we believe only to be seconds away.
The last site we visited, was in a house, old, decaying, and the same blue cups were found in the same order, but still the same surprise of new flavors.
In the middle of sipping the creamy bubbly deliciousness, a knock was heard at the door.
KNOCK KNOCK

"Grace it's time to get up"

byeiloveyou

no subject

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 17:32:04 GMT

You know whats hard? Being laughed at while sobbing and driving all over Santa Fe during rush hour.

Cyclone

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 06:54:02 GMT

I can feel it.
Getting sucked back in.
The water, pulling on my legs, dragging me under.
I dont want this chaos.
No sleep, hurt feelings. NEVER ENDING.
It's too much to handle.
And thoughts of sugar plums, day dreams, hazing my vision like a morning fog.
I want clarity.
I want to know what I can and cannot recieve.
I want fate to step in, and show me the way.
The constant question lingering in the dark.
Will it stay unanswered, unawknowleged for ever?
Our time is running out, I cant just give up.
Please. Give it to me.

Tut tut looks like rain

Mon, 21 May 2007 03:23:05 GMT

Summer is almost here. I can feel it.

I can also feel tears welling up behind my eyes.

I am expecting to cry sometime soon, for the dumbest reason possible.

I look forward to the downpour, it brings me sanity.

I'll feel renewed, and strong again.

But it's not coming, and it will come at the worst possible moment.

I just know.

Give me a reason to cry, so I can feel good again.

I am torn about Grease. Its a 95:5 chance.

I hope my dad says yes.

Caper is my new love.

He completes my life.

When he lies on my chest and sleeps, I feel so safe.

Caper...is a kitten.

I need to cry.

Finals will suck.

Godspell was pretty good.

Pretty voices.

Pretty voices.

Pretty.

byeiloveyou

Dawn

Sun, 13 May 2007 05:33:15 GMT

Darkness.
Crickets.
Experience.
Sky.
Warmth.
Restless nights.
Sunshine.
Sunblock.
Passion.
Sand.
Mystery.
Parks.
Dreams.
Bubbles.
Bonfires.
Anger.
Pining.
Life.
Heartbeats.
Secrets.
Hugs.
Coctails.
Whispers.
Shadows.
Stargazing.
Sunset.
Freedom.
Oceans.
Tents.
Tears.
Rain.
Thoughts.
Ice Cream.
Smiles.
Clouds.
Nightfall.
Dancing.
Picnics.
Butterflies.
Adrenaline.
Soda pop.
Intensity.
Jump Rope.
Knowledge.
Parties.
Friendship.
Yearning.
Heartbreak.
Sunrise.
Fun.
Laughter.
Heat.
Kisses.
Daydreams.
Tree Climbing.
Fun Dip.
Hotties.
Smoothies.
Walks.
Outside.
Tans.
Memories.
Photographs.
Sweat.
Mistakes.
Connections.
Roller Coasters.
Daybreak.
Thunderstorms.
Love.

Summer.
I'm waking up, its my time of year.

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 21:02:33 GMT

I finished The Lovley Bones, for the second time.
It is a really good book.
I have been crying all weekend, not only becuase of the book.
But for other reasons too.
I want something more than ever right now, and the more I think about it, the further out of reach it becomes. I have never had this gut feeling before, and only I know how to fix it.
I realize life goes on with out me, I can just sit back and watch it go by...
I have terrible cramps, and so does Micaela...and it figures hers are for the same reason.
Adri got accepted, she'll be teaching in NYC for the next two years, and I'll have even more of an excuse to visit her, cause Benny lives out there too.
I am already excited for the Adri and Grace across country road trip.
MMmmkaykay is home, and I need to get off the computer.

byeiloveyou

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 01:30:23 GMT

Damn I feel fat.
End of story

going to die now

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 05:06:42 GMT

I am so excited. Europe will be so fun.
I just need to calm down though, and realize I am not going to forget anything, or not even bring a suitcase.
I have been having nightmares about such things EVERY night. And I hope they dont come true.
My hair is brown, very different.
But I think I like it.
I dont know if anyone else does. But I do.
So there.
I like it
hahaha
and I am going to EUROPE!
AHHHHH!
I AM SO PUMPED!
Promise I wont forget anything key? Okay...I wont.

I hope we party till dawn at least one night.

I have to get crackin on packin

goodbyeiloveyou

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 01:18:18 GMT

Maybe the term 'best friend' is too confining.
Maybe that's whats tearing us apart.
I am not saying I dont want to be your friend, thats not it at all.
But maybe putting that seriousness on our friendship is not right.
We have both changed a lot.
And we have fallen into two different gropus of friends.
Its hard for me to be with your other friends, and I am sure you feel the same.
So maybe we should try hanging out one-on-one and not drag other people into the mess.

I dont know if it makes sense. But I am trying

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 02:57:46 GMT

I pulled something today
and it hurts really bad. I cant sit up, or slouch down, because either way my side muscle is stressed.
OUCH!
I am in a lot of pain.
OW
OW
OW

But seeing Mikey Siler was good. He seems really happy, and yay for that.

I dont know what else.
School is good. I hope I dont have a bad grade in Algebra after that test! My parents would be so upset.
Today was good. I didnt have real class all afternoon and I spent two hours outside. I think I got a little tanner!
YAY!
I am so excited for summer.

Getting bottled up feelings out is great. I really like doing it.

My sinuses hurt.
goodnightiloveyou